II.
Space is a concept and I don’t feel like I have any. I can’t breathe, no true alone time. Because when I sit in solace my mind won’t shut the fuck up about it all: fumbling through guitar practice, finishing an EP I don’t fully believe in (but for the sake of content I persist), my relationship paranoia that we will backslide into toxicity and trauma drama. The list goes and goes, all the while I could’ve been playing a video game instead of making myself feel bad for desire. I don’t know how to relax, when I find the sweet spot it's not enough either. I feel perpetually exhausted like there’s no stopping this cacophony, this tempest of the lost, thundering and cracking with lightning in the skyline of my brain.
The depth of my melancholy feels instilled, encoded, no matter how much self-care I throw at it. My breaks are few and far between, like the Silk Road… My treasures spread far but the distance is perilous, especially to those faint of heart. My heart is the faintest of them all, soft, scarred, fragile, stings like fiberglass. I can’t cope like others, it feels like when I am pushed down, the dirt I fall on, shoots pain into my nerve endings that feels like an incendiary bursting and engulfing my shins, chest, and arms. A burn victim cauterized, traumatized, and for some reason still here. I would ask what’s the point, but the question has been beaten out of me.
I chew on my paranoia and problems, why does she give excuses in the place of accountability. It’s easier to be honest than to make excuses for her behavior. I hate when people justify their bullshit. I do. Doesn’t matter who, and I will hold them accountable for it. I am partial to the truth, that is all. Because lying to her about what clips her divine wings hurts her worse than the truth ever could. Be reasonable, just listen to others, validate them. Don’t live in a mode of functioning where justifying all your negativity could be replaced with forgiveness, humility, and increased passion. Could she relate more if her walls came down? If she stopped catastrophizing the future that is so bright that suns are engulfed by it’s radiance, would she find happiness in the present?
Who am I to fucking talk though. Mister optimist, mister go with the flow, young man that says doing what we love will set us free and help us find joy… Where’s your joy today? It’s out the fucking window. It’s just a loathsome mess of negativity and I don’t want to have that catalystic rod prodding my insides and amplifying some shit I am already having trouble processing. Yeah I made a word up, people have been doing it since the dawn of time. I’m no different and not stupid for it. The real people growing ignorance from innovation are those classist motherfuckers teaching “proper” English that continue to spread Xenophobia by making other cultures conform to a “right” way of spelling and grammar. If I can understand what you said you are speaking proper English. There are people here from all over the world with often contrasting languages to ours. To think they are wrong and not bold for learning our language is a disservice to them. Our language evolves because of the cultures it comes into contact with. It’s imperative we support people in learning the language and lowering the superior borders held up by those with special interests.
I am so broken, Like an analog clock. Because who sees those anymore? I deleted Instagram for a week and now I think I’ve been chosen to be a voice of the people, I am merely a voice for myself. A mouthpiece of shit, feelings, stuttering, and glass audio sonics. I am fragile and tired, this cup of green tea didn’t do shit. I guess I should hydrate.
