Kid 12. 24.16

Why do I refer myself and expect myself to have such an adolescent thought process. 

My entire life I have felt the need to feel older, be older, do “older” people things.

Sometimes I realize what really happened, I wished for growing up and lost out on a great deal.

Drugs came first. I felt so much older being a 15 year old hanging out with people three or four years older.

My current self Is ashamed, why weren’t you focusing on band? Or skateboarding. You were running with kids smoking weed and getting drunk.

I don’t know some days how to recover from the blow I dealt my brain oh so long ago.

I can feel mental inferiority. It is apparent, I am stuck in the same vocabulary and feel as if I have only grown older.

My life goals will always be unclear, is it a sense of greatness I feel? Or self-loathing because I know I am doomed to mediocrity as Ms. Wolfe pointed out.

All I can do is trudge and hope one day someone will think of me as something. 

But they say no one else will think of you in that manner if you don’t first think of yourself in such a way.

I thought I did, but going on a date made me realize how critical and fragile I still am.

There is no perfect, and I must remind myself of that daily. There is no perfect, no “one”, no position that will ever make me fill the void I have had since I can remember.

Was I ever a kid? Maybe. I just hope he can forgive his older self the decisions made.

This isn’t poetry either, this is just a bitch fit. A rant of the failures of another drug addled soul.

Another lost soul who feels doomed. I thought I loved myself briefly. But I supposed that was a fabrication.

Maybe, maybe I am on the road to loving myself and it takes me longer than that of those around me.

No concrete walls structured around my being to protect me from the outside.

I have feelings I purposely wear on my sleeves and it creates deep anxiety that of the likes I have never seen.

Why am I like this? Is it my depressive disorder reminding me I will always be slave to it?

If it is than it really is a cruel trick.

I have friends now, I thought I had a shot of making one of them something more.

Maybe I do, but it looks like I botched something. Are you arrogant? Why would you put on a front as such?

You are scared that’s why. You strive to impress because no one has ever given you a sense of validation that you so desperately crave.

Of course your parents are proud but they have other favorites. You do have middle child syndrome. 

These are things that it used to hurt to think but I am a member of a group that screams from help and is never heard.

Why must it be this way? Why can’t things be so much more simple?

I told myself to no longer see myself as the victim, and here I sit. Lockmiller 335 victimizing myself.

I am not strong, I am weak, I have no savior. I merely have the man who has kept me alive 19 years. That man is myself.

Why have I done it? Because If the world is going to tear me down, I will show it that I will not dissipate.

The universe must deal with me until I am finished by something, or someone other than myself.

I am Julian Cuebas, and I may be weak, but I will never let the universe have the satisfaction of my descent into insanity.