the shadow light

I’m watching Dancing With the Stars. Robert Irwin finishes his dance, and he’s crying about his dad… Talking about how he tries to walk the Earth the way his dad did, and that he is his hero. I cry about my mom. And I want to walk the Earth the way Mom did. In love and light. Whilst being kind and compassionate to the shadows. She is my hero.

I’ve done a pretty horrible job of it lately. I am not well here. I am alone here. I’m in a position that I told myself I wouldn’t be in. I adore many aspects of my new profession, but I lament the time I lose to create. I wonder what about my art isn’t potent enough to sustain me. And this nightmarish city, this capitalist epicenter of abundance and depravity. My heart has hardened and I loathe myself for it. I am not the son my mother had. However, something changed altogether after her death.

What I want is different. I don’t want what I wanted before, and now it’s impossible to buy my mom’s a house. I have stalled, grieving lost dreams. Dreams that cannot happen this lifetime. Dreams that I hope I can make happen for her in the next lifetime.

Now I want Chattanooga, after I have left. I don’t realize what I have until it’s I’m away from it. I am sick out here. Stressed, alone, knowing that I have what every human wants, community. But it is away from me currently. I spend most of my time texting everyone how much I miss them. Yet I chose to sequester myself in Atlanta, Georgia. What penance am I paying for? What a lesson to learn to love where I am, while I hate where I live…

Love. Love is the most important thing to me. And I know where my love is. I am going there. I am choosing community over commodity. My treasure will be found in the heart of true love. Nothing less. I want to walk the path my mother walked. I want to finally feel like I am on my feet again.