serenity

Sometimes we fool ourselves thinking that we can control our relationships. These are an amorphous, living connection, cutting through what we think is best. Any imposition of our will only greatens the division and distance of one from the other. (control and relationships) Why do we want to be close but do so much to push each other away? It’s a push and pull that makes me sick to my gut. Like too many sweets, my insides are set in discomfort. I want warmth that I seem to be unwilling to give. It’s something I swallowed and can’t stomach. Why does my anger knot and gnarl? Why is the most recent peace I remember micro-dosing? What hateful lever is stuck in the on position? It’s tearing at my family, my friends, and their faith in me. 

My paranoia rises and it’s why I’ve stopped smoking so much. I want to experience the displeasure, the dissonance, and the reasons why I feel off. The only way out is through, and I have been going around. A fool’s hope that confrontation and I would miss each other. The drug of optimism feels like it’s wearing off. Maybe not wearing away completely, but it is certainly challenged. The more joy this life brings it equates in suffering. The love I would feel, to see the world without looking through such a depressing lens. I imagine it more each day, to hopefully live closer to it. Closer to you. And away from all the fear of being a bad person. Instead of being present with you, I’m lost in my head trying my best to listen. But these voices are screaming or echoing, distracting me from you. 

This transition is strange. And I am not sure I love everything about it. I am supposed to follow my channel, wherever it goes. But the banks around the bend seem to be asking me to take an unplanned route. Will I ever come back to it fully? Did I become more hollow because I’ve been stuck at a crossroads refusing to make a decision? Why do I have so much trouble accepting myself? It’s maybe because I’m nothing permanent. I wake up some days feeling like I was body swapped with another version of myself. And all over I have to accept myself today and it takes the journey of the whole day to find that acceptance. Sometimes if at all. The truth is, this has always been where I felt most natural. No thinking, No how I’m being perceived. This is the way I have ever known to trust. I hope I get better and I live having faith that I do trust. A little bit each day. Even when I’ve been stubborn. Even with this resentment towards living I currently seem to bear. The hate shows me where to go. I do my best to see the change and not project my anger on my abundant blessings.